A Recipe for Blending a Family
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Stepfamilies are families too. That's a
reality more that 7 million children are
having to learn to live with.
"We will all have to work on
changing our internal map of
what a family should be. "
Pres. StepfamilyAssoc. of USA
Guiding Thoughts for New Stepfamilies
Family is in your heart:
There are many definitions of family today. The image of the nuclear family as the ideal family is not necessarily accurate. A family is where there is love and support for each other. Stepfamilies are as good as other families. Families often merge with young children , but can come later in life with older children well established in their own lives. The following thoughts serve as a simple guide for new families with children who live in the new home together.
All families take work:
It takes time and effort for any family to work well together. Plan activities, eat dinner together, work on a budget. Take time to get acquainted both as a unit and one on one.
Aim for "Like", If you get Love it's a bonus:
You got married, your children didn't. Don't fall for the "This time everything is going to be perfect" fantasy. If children agreed to the new arrangement it doesn't mean that they really accepted it. New families take time. Don't expect love just becuase you decided to get married.
Respect Boundaries:
It is important that everyone have their own space and things that are theirs. Respecting boundaries builds respect for each other. Ask permission to use each others possessions and respect alone time.
Respect your child's feelings about their biological parents:
Each child has a right to their feelings about their biological parents. If these parents are attacked by the new family children will become resentful and may lead to doubts of their own self worth. Try to let issues with your exspouse be private. If a new family is a result of a death of a parent, acknowledge the love for that person and be accepting that the deceased parent's memory has a place in the fabric of the new family.
Handling Discipline:
In a new family relationship don't fufill the "wicked step parent myth". Discipline should be agreed upon by parents but then administered by the biological parent.
Plan time to talk out problems:
Step families have a lot of left over pain from the previous marriage. Address these feelings, talk it over. Seek help from a professional if issues can not be resolved.
A Job for everyone:
It's not solely the parents job to make the new family work. Kids can work at it too, from sharing in household chores to talking to each other about their problems. Making plans to do things together. Introducing your new siblings to friends. Empowerment builds self esteem.
Make time for each other:
The honeymoon for step parents is short lived or non existent. Take time to build a loving relationship between each other. It will be tested.
Create a vision:
Lead your new family in a vision that this is going to work. Assume success and celebrate successes together when they come. Begin building new family traditions. Laugh, don't take yourself too seriously.
