Creating Family Traditions

Creating Family Traditions…When families are miles away

The Christmas Decorating “Contest”

Like many families today my kids are off pursuing their “fortunes” at the far corners of the country. Like the three little pigs each has gone off down the road and my hope is they are building with bricks and not straw. Though we were a close family growing up together this is the way of the world. Professions, jobs, education, spouses all contribute to putting many miles between each other. We make a great effort to see each other at least two times a year but its takes a concerted effort. Thanks goodness for the miracle of email and programs like windows messenger and skype which enable today’s family to keep in touch. The purchase of an inexpensive video cam for the computer even enables a live video conversation. Such conversations feel more like a visit, than a mere phone call. Having recently enjoyed the John Adams series on PBS one is reminded that this issue is not necessarily new. Families were often days away from each other and letter writing (a lost art) was the only way to keep in touch, Think of the days when letter writing and post by ship took months to get a response from a love one traveling the continent.

I’d like to share a simple idea for Christmas time to help touch base with each other and maintain a sense of family. Of course substitute Hanukah or Kwanza for Christmas if you prefer…you get the idea.

Several years ago my family and I started the idea of the annual Christmas decorating contest. It really wasn’t a contest…everybody won but it was a great way to feel connected at Christmas time. Each of our families were asked to submit via email a picture of their Christmas decorations based on an annual theme. Everybody participated and snapped one favorite shot of their home and family as they prepared for Christmas and emailed it to me as the coordinator. I then simply put together a little slideshow using one of the many photo programs available, added some music and some titles and issued a Christmas “CD” which was sent to each family. Programs like Windows Movie Maker or Roxio Video Wave, or Apple Movie Maker are very easy to learn to put together a basic slideshow with music. As we improved our computer skills we learned how to post the little “video” on the web therefore getting it to everyone right before Christmas Eve. The results were really fun. A simple way to take a peak into all our houses during the Christmas season and feel a bit more family in spite of the many miles between us. Yes we still exchange gifts and call on Christmas but we also look forward to the arrival of the Christmas Video.

Merry Christmas to all and please share your ways of keeping in touch across the miles.

Guiding thoughts for new Stepfamilies

A Recipe for Blending a Family

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Stepfamilies are families too. That's a
reality more that 7 million children are
having to learn to live with.



"We will all have to work on
changing our internal map of
what a family should be. "
Pres. StepfamilyAssoc. of USA



Guiding Thoughts for New Stepfamilies



Family is in your heart:


There are many definitions of family today. The image of the nuclear family as the ideal family is not necessarily accurate. A family is where there is love and support for each other. Stepfamilies are as good as other families. Families often merge with young children , but can come later in life with older children well established in their own lives. The following thoughts serve as a simple guide for new families with children who live in the new home together.



All families take work:
It takes time and effort for any family to work well together. Plan activities, eat dinner together, work on a budget. Take time to get acquainted both as a unit and one on one.





Aim for "Like", If you get Love it's a bonus:


You got married, your children didn't. Don't fall for the "This time everything is going to be perfect" fantasy. If children agreed to the new arrangement it doesn't mean that they really accepted it. New families take time. Don't expect love just becuase you decided to get married.



Respect Boundaries:
It is important that everyone have their own space and things that are theirs. Respecting boundaries builds respect for each other. Ask permission to use each others possessions and respect alone time.



Respect your child's feelings about their biological parents:
Each child has a right to their feelings about their biological parents. If these parents are attacked by the new family children will become resentful and may lead to doubts of their own self worth. Try to let issues with your exspouse be private. If a new family is a result of a death of a parent, acknowledge the love for that person and be accepting that the deceased parent's memory has a place in the fabric of the new family.



Handling Discipline:
In a new family relationship don't fufill the "wicked step parent myth". Discipline should be agreed upon by parents but then administered by the biological parent.


Plan time to talk out problems:
Step families have a lot of left over pain from the previous marriage. Address these feelings, talk it over. Seek help from a professional if issues can not be resolved.



A Job for everyone:
It's not solely the parents job to make the new family work. Kids can work at it too, from sharing in household chores to talking to each other about their problems. Making plans to do things together. Introducing your new siblings to friends. Empowerment builds self esteem.



Make time for each other:
The honeymoon for step parents is short lived or non existent. Take time to build a loving relationship between each other. It will be tested.



Create a vision:
Lead your new family in a vision that this is going to work. Assume success and celebrate successes together when they come. Begin building new family traditions. Laugh, don't take yourself too seriously.